After the talk that I had with my Mom today was yet another reminder that her family sucks, and when I say her family I mean the people I grew up with. My Mom, Dad, Sabina, Casey, Cody, and Lily. I am always trying with my mom, it seems to be a waste of time. I new when I was in Mexico that the reason I never saw any of them is because of the choice I made to live so far away. I have been in Oregon since August. I have seen my mom twice, once when she drove up here and stayed with me three nights and made it clear that she wouldn't be back, and another time when the kids and I drove to see her for two nights. My dad has made it really clear is has NO interest in me or my kids. Why he hates me is beyond me, but I can't keep putting myself out there for him to hurt me! Sabina I haven't seen in 6 yrs. Casey well I saw him once outside of the Langlois Market in Langlois for about 10 minutes and met his kids that are 6 and 4 for the first time. Cody I see more of, and am able to talk on the phone, and my kids know who he is. Lily and I have a guess the most normal sibling relationship with and I wish she was closer so I could see more of her. My kids now her and love her so much! She is the ONLY one that calls on my birthday or will call the kids on there birthdays! Did I mention that My Mom, Dad, Casey, and Cody all live in the same town.

Cody is getting married in Sept. He is having Casey, Lily, and I be the groomsmen. I am so happy that he wants to let me share in this occasion with him. On the other hand that anxiety about all of it has kicked in. I want to do whatever Cody and Amber need from me so there wedding day can be about them, and celebrating what they have going on. What I see happening is that my mom won't be able to deal with the stress of anything and will be the whipping post for that. My dad acting like he is some kind of victim with the way our relationship is, when he is the one that has made it clear that if I don't except Pat that he won't have anything to do with me and my kids. Pat was his choice not mine. Casey is just going to be mean to me. Not allot to look forward to.

So everything is starting to wear on me and it is making me a little sick. I am a single mom of two kids and I am trying so hard to give them everything they need. I don't have support from anyone. I wouldn't change the way the boys and I live. I just wish they had more then just me. Tarzan is out of school for the summer and he would like to spend time with my mom, but the question is will she ever find time for him. Awhile ago he asked me if my Dad was dead, I never talk about him so I guess it was a good question. We don't get Christmas cards, Birthday cards, or phone calls from him, he doesn't want anything to do with me so I guess he doesn't want anything to do with my kids. I just had to explain that he was alive and we just don't see him. What more can I say.

I wish that I could interview Grandparents for my kids and the would come with an assortment of Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. These feelings come in waves and I hope that since I have put a little bit out there that I will feel a little better! I know this will be hard when the holidays roll around, and it will always make me a little sad. I guess I am just feeling lonely, and I wish someone had time for my kids.

it has been a while since i have logged in... i am back online so i will be getting to this soon....

Well TML was here, and I couldn't believe it. Well we love each other again. I can't believe it. I guess that is better then the way it was, and both of us being committed to working on it. The kids are happy, I am happy, and TML is happy. YIPEE

Moving is really easy if you don't have anything. I have RSG's car loaded for the last of the two car loads of stuff to take over to the new place, but The Fat Baby fell asleep, so I will wait. Maybe I will sleep with him.

I shouldn't say my own, I will share it with my kids. I am so happy with how fast things are coming together. I had a job within the first weeks of arriving in the states, and now I will have a rental.

It is a really nice rental, you know without cockroaches or red ants, and with a washer and dryer. I don't know what to say I am beside myself happy at this moment. So by the grace of god, or the grace of all of the people I know. I need everything except a washer or dryer to go in the place.

I am going to need a coffee pot!! So I guess I am excepting handouts or old furniture that anybody wants to give to me. I need everything.

Today I had parent teacher conferences... Tarzan's first couple of weeks weren't so smooth, email's and phone calls from the teacher that basically consisted of her telling me that he wasn't ready to be in school. This was such a shock to me, he has never been less then the favorite in any activity that he has participated in.

Within a couple of weeks from the first week of school, the emails starting slowing down. No news is good news, right? I was unsure because in my reply to two of the different emails that I received from the teacher was a little harsh, I just had the overall feeling that she didn't want to deal with the different language issues. That he was going to be a little more work, he is high energy, he is a little boy.

Tarzan's teacher told me that everything has turned around, that he is doing a wonderful. So I doubted the sincerity.

Today at the conference she reassured me that he is doing a wonderful job, that he is a bright little boy, very affectionate, that he is friends with everybody, not just in his classroom but in all of the kindergarten classrooms. This is my boy. These are the things that I am use to hearing about him. She did say that the first couple of weeks were pretty rough, but now he is doing a very good job. All of this made me very proud of my little guy. I know how amazing he is, and I want the people that are around him to know how amazing he is also.

He is adjusting well to all of the new things happening in our lives.

As angry as I am about every shitty thing that TML has done to me. I am so resentful of him because of the choices he made after the birth of the fat baby. I also know that I have made bad choices, and that I am not perfect.

I am not sure about what I want, but I know that I have these two beautiful small children that adore him very much. And I hope that for them TML can pull threw. I know that if he were to show up here today that I would be happy for a moment, but I also know that we would have to get help, that we would both have to learn how to work threw all of the problems of the past. That it would take so much from both of us.

I have moments were I miss him, and I can't just stop loving him.

It is so easy for everyone to say that I have made the right choice in leaving him and yada yada... I just walked away from a relationship, and the father of my children. I think what gets lost is that I have two kids, I am starting over with two kids. Thankfully I have somewhere to stay, but what I need is a place for the boys and I. I need furniture, I need everything that goes with starting over.

It is so hard to go on a job interview and be like I really want this job, this is exactly what I am looking for, and all of the things you say when trying to get a job. Then be like I am only available 8 am to 2 pm, sorry I have kids and yes I need a job, but my kids have to come first. Oh, and I am all alone with them, so yes if anything happens to them, then I am the only one that they have to be responsible for them.

Rose's where I am working, I made a point not to mention that I have kids, and said that I was flexible. So this is how that panned out. I have only worked night shifts, and 8 hrs on Sunday. Not really ideal for a single mother, that doesn't have childcare, nights or on the weekends. I am hoping with time, that I can start getting more of the hours that I need.

I hope my job, can work into the shift I need eventually....