So for the past couple of weeks Tarzan and I have watched The Harry Potter movies approximately 1 million times. So as a result of that Tarzan is now magical and it is very amusing. He looks almost possessed when he is being magical. Tarzan started showing everybody his forehead and saying ouch, so I decided to amuse him and took a sharpie and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead, and now I am drawing a lightning bolt on his forehead daily.

Well in one of the Harry movies there is a scene were Harry is a baby, so Tarzan also thinks that his brother is also Harry Potter and magical. So I was in the kitchen, Beny was on the bed and Tarzan was coloring. Then is got really quiet so I went to check on the chumacos and I found Tarzan with a red marker, making Beny magical. He drew what I think were suppose to be lightning bolts on the baby’s forehead and well in all honestly all over his head.

So on the other hand I put on way to much weight when I was pregnant. I weighed 189 my last dr. appointment, but that is still 25 lbs less then when I was pregnant with Tarzan. So today I went and weighed myself and I am down to 158. So I have more then 30 lbs to go before I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. So today I went to get an outfit to wear for Christmas and the whole process made me cry, by the 3rd store that I went to I just would ask if they had any ropa grande and some of the women would just look at me puzzled. I am holding all of the weight in my mid-section so that is extra shitty, but I guess it is better then my ankles. I think being more then 30 lbs overweight in my ankles would make me cry every time I looked down.

I think about death allot. I don’t want to die, I think that might possibly be the thing I fear the most. I have always thought about death. For whatever reason I have been around allot of death, allot of people dieing and for all kinds of reason illness, accidents, really anyway anyone could die. Death of people of all ages.

I one point in my life I decided that I wasn’t going to go to any more funerals except for immediate family. That plan lasted almost a year. I find that you go to funerals for closure, or to be support for someone close to you. I remember the first dead body that I looked at, I think I might have been in the 5th grade and my family and I where at my grandfathers funeral and I was with my little sister. It was an open casket and she wanted to look at him, so I took her to look at him. I also remember everyone talking about the way he looked, and what color he was after the funeral, and that my grandmother didn’t cry. It seemed so odd. I have only looked at one other dead body, and it was because I opted for it. I was 19 and she was a newborn. I thought it couldn’t get any worse then that. I also thought she was the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I still think that.

I think about death I think almost daily since I had Tarzan, I should say that I worry about death the most. When I first had him and up and until I had Beny it would concern me allot what would happen to Tarzan if say I were to die. What would happen to my Tarzan if I were to die? This would stress me out, I know that I could have made some kind of executive decision and make a will, but then I would be faced with making decision of who would be best suited for my little guy. How do you pick something like that? I know now that both of the boys would stay together and be with TML. God forbid that something happens to the both of us. Tomorrow this topic will be discussed with TML. UGH!

So all over Mexico when you enter a town and you leave a town there are speed bumps. Personally I think this is such a good idea verses a blinking red light that is completely ignored in most cases.

Well Here in Zihua they have gone a little tope (speed bump) crazy. One large tope will normally slow you down, well I don’t know who made this decision but there are now I think 5 million small metal topes when you are entering Zihua. They go on for a 3rd of a mile. Also just for the hell of it they have put topes in the most unnecessary places in the whole town. There is know warning that they are coming and then they are just there for know good reason at all.

I think I need a new title for my blog, now that I have more then Tarzan. Stella?

Every year when Christmas roles around I want to go home. I want to be with my family, but not the way my family is now, but the way my family use to be. You know with a mom and dad, and without unnecessary tension between the siblings. My siblings and I grew up in what appeared to be pretty fortunate situation, everyone got along pretty well. Lots of love, I wish it were still that way. I haven’t seen my older sister in more then 3 years, and she has never met either of my sons. My brother Casey, well we don’t talk to each other… Let me rephrase that he doesn’t talk to me, his wife I think is the biggest influence in that decision. His wife told my mom (when she was pregnant with my nephew, and I was pregnant with Tarzan) that I wasn’t aloud to be around her son. They have two kids now, and I still haven’t met them, but I would like to. The few times that I have been around Casey since I have had Tarzan he has been very cold to him. My dad he left, he quit. I don’t know how he justifies the choices that he makes; I haven’t talked to him since Tarzan was a few months old. The last time I saw him he pretend he didn’t see me, which still hurts really bad; he never even called or said anything when I had Beny. I asked my sister if he new I had the baby and she said he knows. I know that he new I was pregnant because I wrote him a letter and told him. I can’t continue to put out an effort to be friends with him, because he refuses to respond, and I can’t keep letting his choices hurt me.

Now I have two fucking beautiful wonderful kids, and I would love for all of my family to know them and to love them and my dad and my brother can’t get over there lame bullshit.

Right after I had Beny things were pretty horrible around the homestead. A lot of things happened that I won’t be sharing on my blog, It all caused me to get pretty sad, and when I think about it to much it makes me sad all over again. It has all made me want to leave Zihua; I want to be back in Oregon.

Beny is Mexican and in time he will also have a US birth certificate, I have gone and filled out all the papers and paid for it so now I am just waiting, and then I will be waiting for his US Passport. I am sure everyone is aware that the US has some pretty big immigration issues, I guess if I had to leave Mexico today that I could hire coyote to get the baby across the border. Could you fucking imagine, I am a US citizen, and I would have to try to smuggle my newborn child across the border like he was a 15 lbs bag of coke.

Tarzan was born in the states so he already has his US birth certificate, and US passport and TML is in the process of getting him is Mexican papers.

Once we have Beny's US papers we will start filing for TML papers for the states.

So this is all being done on Mexican time so hopefully sometime in the next year everybody will have so many papers I could build one hell of a fire. When everybody has all of the necessary papers I am hoping that we are headed north to start from scratch.

That has gotten completely off the topic Christmas, so I am fed up with Christmas in Zihua because I want to do the whole family ordeal with my kids and yada yada. Here Christmas is more or less the same ole shit you have dinner with your family and then it is off to party tell you can’t party anymore. Speaking of parties, it is the middle of the night and my neighbor sounds like he is having a rave in his apartment.

So this weekend we will be getting our plastic Christmas tree and getting ready to celebrate Christmas in Mexico with Tamales and a Piñata.

So this summer I bought some Lancome makeup and you know how sometimes you get free gifts. So I got a whole goody bag full of shit, and the best stuff in the bag was PRIMODIALE OPTIMUM, visibly correcting moisturizer. Everybody should try it. About a week into using it I felt so pretty, so fresh, and my sunspots didn’t look so aged.

That is the way the baby came out. I can’t say that I am not disappointed with everyone involved. I still am not sure why they cesarean was preformed, but maybe it was the best. Who knows, really it isn’t my business. The baby weighed in at 3.5 kilos, and 47 centimeters long, good-sized baby. I look forward to meeting him.

I understand things can go wrong when you are in labor, that unplanned things can occur. What I don’t understand is why women here or anywhere would opt to have an unnecessary operation. Why they don’t have more faith in the capabilities of there body.

I probably shouldn’t care, none of it is any of my business, but it bothers me. My sister-in-law is do to have a baby any day and her doctor told her that if she doesn’t have the baby by Friday she is going to have to have a cesarean. She isn’t suffering from any real reason to have a cesarean, besides being really pregnant. She isn’t going to be induced, they are going to cut her the fuck open and yard out her baby. I say find a new fucking doctor.

My brother-in-law had back surgery less then a year ago, but before he decided to have the surgery he talked to multiple doctors all over México, he took allot of time, and spend allot of money traveling to different parts of the country finding the right doctor for the operation that he needed.

So why when a women is pregnant, and there jackass of a doctor says they need to have a cesarean these women don’t take the time to go and ask another doctor if that is a reasonable option. If that is what you really need.

My personal opinion is that allot of women don’t take the time to do any self-education. When I had Tarzan in the states I read a couple of books, I kept my self well informed, but when I had Beny in México I read everything I could get a hold of. I had to be the biggest promoter of what I wanted and what I thought was the best for me and my unborn child and I wasn’t going to settle for my doctor getting impatient and giving me some lame ass excuse for giving me a cesarean. I looked up all of the hard reasons for having a cesarean and there is only 7 and 3 of them you know about before you go into labor. There are more soft reasons to have a cesarean, but they are soft reasons.

Then there is a level of sympathy on my part, for example whomever has been adamant about having a vaginal childbirth and they are in labor and they go to the hospital and the doctor is tired of waiting or whatever and gives this woman any reasonable excuse to have a cesarean, what the fuck are they suppose to do, they are already in labor?

There are approximately only 6% percent of deliveries that a cesarean is a life or death situation for the mother or child.

When I had Beny I new that I needed to do most of my laboring at home, that there wasn’t any reason to go to the hospital before it was really necessary.

I could go on for hours… I hope this makes sense.