At this very moment I feel like shit, it happens the moment I slow down. The moment, I have time to deal with my reality. My life right now, is temporary. Everyday I save money, or make the effort not to spend .01 cent. So I can move out, so I don't have to be stressed out about my kids making these nice people crazy. I don't know if more alone time for me is going to be any good for me.

Today I hate TML, but really hate him. I don't know if that is part of the healing process or what, but the reality of him is that he never has loved me, he never wanted to. He put out so little to try to make me happy, were I felt like I was doing nothing but trying to make him happy and it didn't work.

It is a million little things that hurt me.. and they are all lame. He never took a picture of me, the only picture that I have of myself are pictures that other people have taken, or when I would ask him to take a picture of me and him, the kids and I. I never felt complimented, just compared.

My sons birthday is hard for me.. Birthdays are always time for reflection. The birth was perfect I couldn't have asked for anything more. It is the choices the people that I shared that experience with acted. It was just horrible. It was a horrible experience and so much of what I loved about TML died with his choices. The fat baby is 2 yrs old.. so I think that I tried hard enough to find the love I felt for TML. I know what was so hard with even trying to move forward and let things go is TML still thinks I deserved everything that has happened.

Yesterday was the fat baby's birthday, and by all means I don't have the money to do anything fantastic for him. I just didn't want to deal with it or think about it. His arrival in to this world isn't what it should have been, it should have been a celebration... it sure as fuck shouldn't have been about TML being in the hospital because of his poor choices. According to TML I deserved to be at home with my baby that was just a couple of days old, and Tarzan 3 yrs old. Without anything.

I just remembering having to take Tarzan to pre-school just so he would have something to do, so he wouldn't be stuck in our tiny tiny house all day. The car not having AC and it being so hot that every time I got in the car to take him to Ixtapa having a near panic attack because I thought he was going to sweat to death in the heat. Then doing it again in the afternoon when it was even hotter.

I will continue to get through the things life gives me, and at this moment things are going to get harder before things get easier.

I feel strongly that I have made a good choice in coming back to the states, right now I just need to keep being positive about the possibilities of the future, and continue working on taking the steps to insure that.

I am starting everything new.. so that means I left my car in Mexico. It is a long drive and with 2 kids I figured it was time just to let it go.

So the very nice people that have taken me and my kids in have also lent me a bike, but not just any kind of bike. It has a turbo pack. I shit you not. So if I want to go up a hill with ease, just be lazy, I can hit this button and it will just take off.

I work about a mile from where I live so I use this fancy bike to get me back and forth to work, it is great, free, and is much faster then walking. Oh, and it has a turbo pack. I don't think you could ask for more in a bike.

Last weekend I wanted to stop at this bar that is about 3 city blocks from the house, so this weekend I grew that balls to do it. I got off early then expected so the kids were already with a babysitter, so yes, I was on the bike with the turbo pack and decided to stop and have a beer. I ended up drinking 3 beers, and then I had to ride the damn bike home.

I know 3 beers what the fuck! I don't ever drink so I was pretty much done for, but I managed to peddle this fancy bike home with out any trouble.

Then in the morning I found out everyone else went lessie dancing, well that sound way funnier then drinking 3 beers in a shitty dive bar then have to ride the bike with the turbo pack home.

TML and the wagon, and the reason he is on it. I guess is was about a year ago when the incident took place... There was about 2 months or so that he would drink and when he came home grew more aggressive and I expressed this to him. That he was starting to scare me that, that he really need to slow down for all of the million reasons a person needs to get a hold of there drinking. What it all boils down is that he was really starting to scare me. I let his family know, and they just disregard everything that I tell them as me being crazy.

So the incident.. TML came home, just fucked up at 5am. I am sure that I was awake, he starts with his shit and I am sure saying ugly things to me, what they were that I night I don't remember. Then he wake up the kids, then I was irate and just wanting him to either go to sleep or go away. So I send his Mom and Dad a text and told them to either come and get TML or I was going to call the police. So they came and got him and the time in between me sending them and text and the 10 min. it takes for them to get to my house, he punched me in face. I was holding the Fat Baby, and Tarzan was standing with me.

So the weekend passed and no word from TML and not one person from his family called or stopped by to see if the kids or I needed anything. Nor did they ever ask if any of us were ok.

Monday morning and Pablo has taken yet another weekend, more time away from our family to I don't know nurse his never ending hangover. This was it for me... what options did I have, it has gone from verbal abuse, to physical abuse.

So I have to go to work, and I have to take the Fat Baby with me because TML has made it clear that he doesn't like to spend 3 hrs a day helping with TFB. In those 3 hrs, he would go and eat with his family, and his mom would take care of TFB you know so TML could eat and relax some more, get waited on by the maid. Then TFB would take his nap, and so would TML. While TFB was taking a nap, so would TML. He would sleep not contribute anything to helping with anything. He was providing such a luxuries lifestyle god for bid he help with anything.

So I am pretty much a huge push over, and within days TML is back at our lovely apartment and not drinking. So he is mad at me, mad at the kids, and overall just angry. I didn't want him at the house, I wanted him to go to rehab, so he could get help with his emotions and dealing with his with drawls and everything that goes along with recovery. His bullshit, I have kids and a house to take care of, I don't need someone complaining and being mad about everything.

TML started going to the gym and that was fine to help him work out some of the aggression, except the hours he would go, that he couldn't change. TML has nothing to do during the day, except maybe buy beer for the bar, but he had a worker there, and it takes 5 minutes to pay for it.

So I would come home from work, unwind for 2 min. Go get Tarzan, then meeting the demands of my kids, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, buying everything I need for food for the day with the kids under 10 dollars. TML would be at the gym. He would come home around 5 eat dinner, scream at everyone, complain about dinner, be mad because Tarzan doesn't like anything or wasn't hungry, be mad because TFB cries to much. Overall pretty unenjoyable to be around. We did this for about a month, then his brother invited him to Cuba.. I told him to go, I need a break from him. It was a week, that was OK. It was so much easier not to have him around. Not one person was mad at me. So I gave him the money I had saved and told him to have a good time and make sure to bring back something for the kids. He brought Tarzan a baseball, and The Fat Baby moracas, wow.

The week he was gone, he gave me the bar, and that would have been fine if Fabioli would have turned in any of the money that she made. So when TML got back he blamed me, for there not being any money. Not my fault.

The deal with TML and I was that he got to go to Cuba for 7 nights and when he got back I got to go to Vegas for 3 nights. Well he went to Cuba, and I didn't get to go to Vegas. I haven't done anything for myself or had anytime to myself since I had Tarzan, and he is 5 yrs. old.

I am here in the states getting everything together, and things seem to be coming together pretty well.

I need to continue letting things go, even when it isn't easy. I need to keep working on myself.

I am always looking for a job, and I am not finding what I need. I get all weird nervous during the interviews, and I ramble.

Therapy is probably what I need... I guess I have issues with men, because of my dad, my brother, and past relationships. Who the fuck knows!

What happens when you fall in love with someones potential... Nothing, because there potential is just what they could achieve. Not what is going on. It is to bad. It is like that saying you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink. TML is a smart polite guy, and that seems to be it. He doesn't want to make plans for the future, he is unmotivated. He is content with just getting by.

When the kids and I left Zihua this is how TML spend his day. He would wake up around 11 shower and go eat breakfast with his family. 12 go and work with his brother or hangout in the office with his family, or hangout with his brother. I am not sure to understand what was going on there would involve communication. At 3 go to the gym.. for about 2 hrs. Around 5 come home and eat with the kids and I. Then take another shower after he laid around for awhile by himself, because the kids and I would have to go to karate practice most days of the week. Then take another shower and go to the bar from 7 until whenever. Not a lot of time for the kids and I.

I miss TML more then anything in the world... and I guess I am just trying to remind myself of why I left. His choices since we have been gone, show reassure myself that I probably made the right choice.

Is it weak to continue stay in a relationship that hasn't been working out for a longtime? Or is it holding on to hope? Is holding on to what could be bad? Probably.

I wouldn't describe myself as someone week, maybe at times a pushover, weak not a word I would use to describe myself. I am not sure what I am holding on to anymore, the cultural differences are GIGANTISIMO!!! He is unavailable emotionally. His is blind to anything that concerns his family and they are extremely overbearing. His family is another blog post.

So here I am in the states, with my wonderful kids, and today was a hard day, but most sundays are. When I am in Zihua the kids wake up early, and because TML has been at work until the early hours of the morning I try to let him sleep so I leave. I take the kids to Ixtapa to get coffee, well coffee for me and hot chocolate for the kids. Then I just try to waste time there walking around looking in the windows and yada yada.

The apartment is so small in Zihua I can't take the kids to another part of the house.. There is know space to breath. This is a reminder for me .. when I am having a hard time, when it would be nice to have a little support I have to remind myself even if I had stayed in zihua, it wouldn't be much different then what is going on here, or maybe even less support.

Let me describe the apartment.. There isn't a washer or dryer. The is a concrete wash board encase I feel like an upper body workout I could go crazy and wash my clothes by hand, or everybody's because I do the laundry for a family of four.

There isn't a sofa, there would be a blow up air mattress. You know if by chance someone wants to stop by I can invite them to lay down on the bed with me. There use to be a sofa, you know when you rent a furnished apartment you get someones old furniture. So the sofa was so gross I finally had to threaten to put it out on the street, instead the landlord came and picked it up to have it repaired, on Mexican time. So in over 4 months I never saw the sofa again. Just the blow up air mattress, that took up the entire living room.

The apartment does have cockroaches, and red ants. It doesn't have a bathtub, just a shower. With small children to give them a shower you have to get in the shower with them or you just end up all wet with your clothes on.

The apartment also is lacking a bed for the fat baby. So I let him sleep with me, and if I let one sleep with me then I have to let the other sleep with me too. So I lived in a tiny tiny shitty apartment with cockroaches and red ants, and nothing else. Sometimes we could go days without water or gas, so there isn't a place to wash your dishes, but that doesn't really matter because if there isn't gas to cook your food.. then there is know need to wash dishes. On a lighter note if there isn't any water you can't flush the fucking toilet either or take a shower. que rico!

So I ask myself again if I made the right choice in coming back to the states... I guess it would have only been a bad choice if I would have went to Texas.

Here there isn't someone mad at me everyday for god only knows.

When I am having a hard time, I have to remind myself that I made the choice to be in the states. If the kids are stressing me out, it is what would be going on in zihua or worst At least here only the kids are stressing me out and not ther person I need to support from.

I miss TML, he doesn't seem to miss me. I don't know what is going with our relationship. I don't know what to say if someone ask me if I am paired up with someone.

I am here with my kids, and I am not going back to zihua. I know that for sure.

I miss TML, but I don't miss how we lived there. I don't miss the luxury life style we had. I miss TML and everyday seems to be a little more lonely. I will be OK!

That is where I be working. Well everyone seems to be nice, and that is all I have to say about it.

The fat baby turns 2 yrs. old next week.

I miss the mexican lover, but I don't miss Zihua. I am actively looking for some kind of telecommuting job. Something with flexible home based hours. Anything that I can be doing during the day.

The economy really stresses me out, I am happy to be in the states and I feel like being back here is where I need to be. I also need to be making enough money to support my family of 3. I know if I budget and plan really well I can do that with slinging hash. I really hope TML chooses to be part with his family, but I don't know how long I should hold on to that idea.

I need a creative outlet, I found a small art studio that has classes that I would really like to take. I just need to wait until all of my chickens are in a row. I am being positive.

Tarzan is doing really well at school, the first week was pretty rough, but I was very pleased on Friday when Tarzan's teacher email me the following:

I have to tell you how well Tarzan is doing. Really...I am soooooo pleased by his complete turn-around. I adore him to pieces. He is also starting to use small amounts of English, too. YEAH!

So that made me feel good.

Tarzan cracks me up, when I ask him how school is he doesn't say much, but he always tells me the truth. He either says "yo se porto muy bien" or "yo se porto muy mal"

I love my kids, and I feel very fortunate to have them.

I know that I don't want to be in Mexico.. that trip has ran its course, over and over again, and I am more then over it. I miss TML and that is it, there is absolutely know desire to be there.

So I am here, this is where I want to be. I am doing the things that I want to do and I have already started achieving some of the goals that I have set up for myself in a rather short period of time. I am back to serving, not so in to that, but I am good at it and it generates money, and that is what I need to achieve any of my other goals. Money, I know that it can't buy you happiness or love, but life seems easier when you have it, or should I say with out the stress of not having it.

In the last couple of days, I have been really contemplating my life. I know the things that make me happy. I need to figure out how the things that make me happy can help make me money. I know that any job or career that I take on I would be very good at it and be able to make it work for me.

I guess I love being around people, talking to interesting people hearing there stories and things about there lives and just knowing the things that people have done to bring them to this point in there lives. I love my kids and doing things with them, I want to be available for them. I like to know about different cultures, and understanding how they live there lifes, the food they eat, there slang, standards of life. I like knowing.

I wish I new a way to make money doing something that involved all or some of these things... 2 days back into being a server I know that I don't want to be doing that forever.

I wish there was an easy solution. I know to do the things I want to do I have to have money, so I have to work to make money.

One of my many goals that I have set up is to get a third language established for my family and I. For the kids it is easy, immersion, done deal. For me it is a little more involved, because I would have to do things like study and take classes and yada yada. But I am game.

I like living as and expat, I am not afraid to live outside of the box. I think that it is possible to do that even with the kids, as long as I keep them close to me and provide them with a world of love. They will turn out to be beautiful people.

I guess what I want to be able to do is live somewhere outside of the USA and become part of the community and learn to live like whomever, and understand there way of living.

The way people talk to each other is so interesting to me, what can be enduring some where can be so offensive to other people.

I guess what I need to be doing right now is stay focused on the plans that I have for this moment, and that means first getting a place for the kids and I. I need to stay focused on my daily goals, and organize my long term goals so I can continue to take the steps I need to, to achieve those goals.

I get so dreamy, it is easy for me to get side tracked.

Do you think it might be time to update it a bit? I have another child that is 2 yrs. old in a couple of weeks, and I don't have any photos of him on my blog. I know longer live in Zihua. Tarzan is 5 yrs. old and more like Karate Kid instead of Tarzan. I have the whole last year to blog about. I need to get started.

So now that we live in the scary suburbs and Tarzan in attending public school we are getting started with fund-raiser season. I am ok with that because the money goes to education and I am all for that!

So this is what it is about!

I am so tired and it is only 7 in the PM. I don't know why I am so tired I had a huge coffee this morning, a coke and a hot dog this afternoon, and because I am so tired I went ahead and had a frappucino, and I am still seriously dragging ass. So that leaves me wondering why? I haven't had sex in 2 weeks, and I have an IUD, I have an old fashion mexican IUD. Whatever I am nuts. I have to much time on my hands. What I need is a job. I someone out there wants to give me a job send me an email, I need a job, and I want to work. I have a good work history, excellent references, willing to learn, everything good that and employer would need in an employee!!!

That is what's going on... Stressful YES. I feel like I am taking a huge step backwards, I am depend it upon everyone I know right now, for everything. I am highly motivated and so ready to go back to work and start generating money so I will NOT be depended upon anyone. I know that I can do it, and once things start rolling, they will keep rolling and I will be taking many huge steps forward. It is getting started. I am starting all over with 2 kids, so I need to get the ball rolling.

My little guy had his first day of school and I think it was harder on my then it was him. I was the youngest mom out of all of the moms there and that made me feel very out of place on top of my dealing with my readjustment in to society. I know it will continue to get better and easier for all of us. One day at a time.

Tarzan said everything went well and that he did a good job, then he cried and said his teacher got mad at him and threw his sandwich away. So tomorrow is another day and he will be riding the bus, so I am wishing him all of the luck in the world.